I journey for myself to repair damage I’ve done to myself and my old friend.

I listen to the beat of the drum and I light up my body. I reach my roots deep into the earth, they are black and charred and reach deep into the core into the larva flow. I reach my branches high into the sky, they reach fully up into the sun and wrap around the golden orb. I am connected to the star in the centre of the earth and the star in the centre of our universe. I step out of the tree with Solange the black Jaguar by my side. Immediately I see my old friend’s higher self, Atamir. With his wolf. He is tribal, bare chested and he has tattoos that are landscapes over his chest and shoulders. Trees, feathers of birds, mountains and branches. He turns to lead me. We cross on wooden stepping stones. They hover over the larva flow that carries on beneath us. He walks in front with his wolf and Solange and I follow.

I have dark hair and I wear a silk kimono with a peacock feather design. We come to a platform that is a larger round of wood. You can see the growth circles. There is larva all around like a moat. In the centre of the circle we see fighter aspects of myself and my old friend. Lower earth beings in a boxing ring. She wears white feathers and furs with white bandages wrapped around her fists. She stands in a fighters stance guarding her face. She wears long white boxers boots. And her hair in a plait. She looks strong and fit. My old friend wears a black hood that is sleeveless and only covers his chest. He wears boxers shorts with the stripes down the side and laces at the front. He wears long boxers boots with stripes up the side. He has short shaved hair at the sides and a short mowhawk at the top. They shadow box with each other. It’s a friendly fight but it’s also serious. She punches him square in the mouth and knocks him off his feet. He looses some teeth and some blood. He punches her fair in the stomach, She looses her wind.

Atamir and Kilandril their higher aspects watch the fight disapprovingly. The two lower earth aspects continue to fight. They are both strong, no one is going to win. It will just go on and on. Atamir and Kilandril step in. The lower aspects are now biting and scratching each other. Fighting like animals. They are now separated by force. They are sweaty and bloody and they are still intent on the fight. Kilandril pulls me aside and Atamir pulls my old friend aside. They are sat at either side of the boxing ring. Atamir and Kilandril say to my old friend and me. “What is the point of destroying each other?” My old friend’s eyes are wild and wide and angry. He is casting blame towards me. She is spitting and coming for him, unwilling to backdown. Two such strong wills the battle could go on forever. Kilandril and Atamir stand me and my old friend up in front of them. They say in unison. “We are here to repair the damage you have done. Apart from the damage you have done to each other, we are here to repair the damage you have done while you were together.”

Kilandril waves her hand over me and takes off the sweaty glowing sheen and the muscled physique of the fighter to reveal the shadow self. Atamir does the same with my old friend. The two lower aspects look guilty. They hold hands, I can see the scars and patches, stitched up holes, broken ribs, broken spine, missing limbs. All of the self damage from being self destructive, self satisfying, hedonists. Atamir works on my old friend and Kilandril works on me. Kilandril pulls out the stitches, wipes off the grime. Sitting as if patching up a fighter at the edge of the ring. The strong fighter athlete in white furs and feathers stands aside while the shadow aspect gets work done. Icing the bruises pulling out stitches. Using a healing stone to go over and heal the tears and patches. These two have just been tearing each other apart and tearing themselves apart together. Kilandril pulls off three layers of shadow to get to my bare skin underneath. Letting them crumple to the ground. Using the healing stone to go over the bare skin of the clean body. The youthful one that is untarnished and undamaged remains. Fierce in the eyes only. No damage done yet. No self destruction.

I look over to Atamir who is doing the same. He takes 5 shadows off my old friend. They are all grey and torn, perishing like old snake skins. He’s got many more scars than I do. Many more holes, many more patches and worn out layers. Then he gets down to the clean skin underneath, the bright eyes. There is one scar on the belly still, it’s the last one. It’s a new fresh pink scar, sits right in the fat. Atamir asks “What’s this one?” My friend says “That’s new, got it fighting. The other guy wouldn’t back down so what was I meant to do?” Atamir asks “Was the other guy you?” My old friend replies “Of course it was, no one else can match me, but me.” Atamir splits the bare skin version of My old friend in two, takes the knife out of his hand as he is trying to stab the other version of himself. Takes the knife off him and puts it onto the ground. Makes them merge again into one. Holds them still, heals the new scar. Now all of the grey skins have fallen to the ground and there are no more patches or scars or damage or self destruction or self sabotage. No more layers of guilt, remorse, sadness. No more holes to plug. Just a clean, shiny soft bright skin. Clear bright eyes. Atamir waves his hand to put the fighter athlete back into the clean skin body. He is in a fighters stance but then he stands up straight takes his hood off, takes his gloves and his boots off and looks around. Looks forwards.

Kilandril does the same, the young, innocent unharmed clean but fierce me is folded back in with the fighter athlete. She takes the bandages off her wrists and removes her boots. The two shake hands and make a truce. The earth versions of me and my old friend are no longer in battle over will power, they are no longer destroying each other or destroying themselves together. They forgive and move forwards and they laugh. I say to my old friend. “Worthy advisory you were.” “And you” says her old friend, “never back down.” Now Atamir with his beautiful tattoos of landscapes and feathers and fish and scales and trees turns around and folds himself back into the bright young warrior fighter Friend. Kilandril does the same with her dark hair and peacock robe she folds into the younger brighter version of me with clean skin and fierce eyes, white furs and feathers. And together we are much stronger. I can feel the integration. And together we can walk forwards from here. We don’t have to be stuck in a battle any more. Two wills, too equal to conquer the other. Just slowly deteriorating one another.

We walk forwards. As Kilandril, I take Atamir’s hand I put my forehead on his forehead and I say to him. “I have nothing but respect for you. I want to see you whole, I want to see you grow. I wish you the best of everything in this life and in all of your lives. Go forward with joy.” He turns around with his wolf and walks in a different direction. On the wooden stepping stone he walks towards the sun as it is setting behind the clouds and the mountains. I go the opposite direction to him. Walking on the wooden stepping stones I step over the larva towards the moon, I head towards my twin flame who is waiting for me, wearing black feathers and furs. She is dressed up with shimmer dust over her eyes. She looks serious and beautiful, we walk toward the full moon’s beautiful glow, a light path created as we walk forwards up the pathway into the moon, the glow is cool and warm. We merge ourselves in the honey glow of the moon, we sit inside like it is an egg. And then like being born the waters break and the moon releases us back down to earth and we fall with the water down, down until we touch the ground.